You know what's great? BEANS! I love to eat beans. They're the best. I discovered beans many years ago, courtesy of my mentor, Baby Stinky. Baby Stinky, also known as "The Great One", is a little pinkish dog that is Big Mama's favorite toy. He is my role model, my Sensai and my best friend. He is the Yoda to my Luke Skywalker.

Baby Stinky has been around for a really long time and he knows all the secrets to living the good life and getting away with every kind of shenanigan known to plushie-kind. His special talent is passing gas, which is how he got his name. He can fart the loudest, longest and smelliest of anyone I have ever known. The secret to his flatulence is Beans! Just as Baby Stinky passed the life-affirming joys of beans and air biscuits on to me, so I will share them with you.

Like my Sensai before me, I never met a bean I didn't like. I don't care if they're baked beans, refried beans, dried beans, canned beans, green beans or lima beans. There are so many different kinds of beans and ways to cook them. I love them all! When someone tells me that they don't like beans, I figure that they just haven't found their bean soul mate, yet. They better start trying different kinds of beans. They can thank me later.

There are a number of foods that seem to give people (and turtles) the toots, but beans seem to be the best known cause of windbreaks. Beans cause gas because they contain a type of sugar called oligosaccharide (say that three times fast). People's (and some turtles', apparently) digestive systems can not break down oligosaccharides the same way it does other sugars. Oligosaccharides make it all the way through the digestive tract until the bacteria that live in the large intestine finally break them down. The gas molecules are left over when the bacteria finish breaking down the oligosaccharides. The gas has to go somewhere, so it comes out as farts.

My brother, Fivie, wanted me to be sure to tell you that beans are more than just delicious gas bombs. They are also nutritious and make a great addition to a healthy diet. Beans pack a lot of fiber, which helps your digestive system stay healthy. They are high in protein, iron, vitamin B and antioxidants. All this adds up to a snack that can help prevent and regulate health concerns such as diabetes, high cholesterol, heart disease, stroke, and maybe even cancer. How's that for some cool beans?

Baby Stinky says that all these nutritional benefits are the secret to his longevity. Since he has been a bean connoisseur for so long, he has carefully curated and passed on some wonderful songs about beans and farts. He says that these songs represent a time honored tradition of bathroom humor and were probably composed by soldiers. They ate a lot of beans to give them strength for long marches. Here are the lyrics to the songs for you to enjoy. They're words to live by if you ask me...

Beans, beans, good for the heart.
The more you eat, the more you fart.
The more you fart, the better you feel.
So eat your beans at every meal.

Beans, beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot
The more you toot, the better you feel
So we have beans at every meal.

Beans, beans, they give you gas
They make you fart, and burn your ass
The more you eat, the more it hurts
So slow down your eating to stop the squirts.

Ate some beans and I got loaded,
Nana Na, Nana Na Na
Went to bed and I exploded.
Nana Na, Nana Na Na
Pull off the covers, pull off the sheets!
Fifty yard dash to the toilet seaaaaaat...
But I got beat.

Going down the highway,
Doing fifty-four,
Johnny cut a gasser
And it blew me out the door!
The engine, it exploded,
The chassis fell apart,
All because of Johnny's
Supersonic fart!

The fart it is a wondrous thing that's made inside your belly,
It comes out of your bottom and is often very smelly.
Now, everybody does them, from beggars through to queens
And you can do some beauties when you've been eating beans!
So don't worry about those rumblings,
Be proud of all your trumps!
But remember, if you strain too hard
Your farts come out as lumps!